Another Mindless Hour
Another mindless hour goes by where I wither away another piece of myself. For myself is just a consistent reminder that I am not enough. I could curl into myself from the amount of times I have cringed from the opening line of emails, starting with the words ‘Thank you for your interest but unfortunately’. Unfortunately. Unfortunately is the word that remains abrupt and unpalatable in my mind. The taste of arsenic. It wreaks of satire reactions and misfortune. Never in my life have I received this word and been elated. Have you?
With the days passing slower than usual with the air skin crackingly cold and the darkened days of winter loom, I grasp to the promise of that tomorrow’s stars will shine brighter and that the sun will kiss my skin in the morning horizon. For I know that my only suggestion is to continue forward and to begin each day again like I did with the last.
Being stuck within a time loop of wasted days and nights, endless tears and dreams on repeat about work and my broken patterns all blend into one. One feeling that is, guilt. Guilt for my feelings. Guilt for my pathetic excuses. Guilt for the fact ‘I don’t have it that bad’.
Navigating life is hard at times. We shift, exchange, change and intertwine with old and new versions of ourselves. The me I am today is different to the girl I was yesterday, taking experiences from my day whether good or bad. Shape shifting into another version off myself by the mindless hour. An hour at that job you hate where your mind wanders somewhere else is still affecting who you are to be that hour later, whether you can see it or not. We can be in these jobs that make us feel less than that impact our mentality of thinking; ‘what am I doing with my life’, ‘I’m wasting my time doing something that doesn’t serve me’. But this isn’t true. The constant company of time demonstrates that life will happen either way. Whether your mind is within it or not. But when within your mind it doesn’t matter where you physically are, it’s about how that voice chooses to be. I could spend my time within my mind pondering on the fact I hate where I am within my career, that I despise working on the weekend that I can’t do this anymore, or instead I can chose to think about how can I change this reality and how can I action my wants and needs, step by step, everyday.
Finding a job is like a creature of the unknown. We carefully stalk, watch and hunt them, hoping to capture and reap the benefits from our painstaking graft. We crawl and creep between the trees and berry blooming bushes, perfecting our every move, carefully contorting our bait and skillset to suit the prey within our eye line. She’s quiet and beautiful in her own way, showing off her fabulous colours of magenta and gold. She’s beaded with trinkets that symbolise hope, stability and fresh perspective and she’s all yours for the taking. But another hunter is on the otherside and he’s waiting for your move. One sudden sharp movement and this could all be for nothing, one wrong word said and the light could dim from my eyes again, for the opportunity, the window is lost. The hunter is waiting for you to fail to flounder and cross the wrong side of her. So that she squirms and panics away into his direction. Taking her for himself, to caress her beaded trinkets. Most of life’s matters are like this. A simple break down of competition and prey. But the problem is we have to keep hunting, no matter how hard she is to capture for ourselves and maybe she isn’t the right one to capture anyway? She may appear shiny and expensive but you later find out she was never shining in the first place, she was a distorted reflection. And thats okay too. It’s okay to try again, it’s okay to change the direction and look within another part of the forest and it’s okay to realised what you thought you wanted wasn’t true.
My advise for job hunting, figuring out what you want as a job or finding a career path that suits you is to pinpoint what you want from life. What do you envision your day to day to be. Do you want to work at home so you can be with your animals, do you want to be outside in nature everyday, do you want to interact face to face with people. All these factors are important and the focus that is most important is your happiness. Throw away all expectations, money and pressure.
Whatever makes you happy.
Is the key.